he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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