how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
