My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
