Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
