probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
