This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
