Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
