im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
