Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
