Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
