Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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