Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
