So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
