I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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