Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
