Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
