I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
