Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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