I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
