is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i think i have herpe
just one?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
