You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
