a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
