Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
