I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
