I wish my penis had an off switch
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We need to get me chipped asap
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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