the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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