Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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