I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
