the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
