Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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