I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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