I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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