it was like his penis was on wheels.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
