she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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