Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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