i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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