Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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