every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
