i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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