so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
