i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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