Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I cannot find my penis.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
