So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Randomize
