I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
