this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i love accidental penises.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
