grandma shit on top of the toilet
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
