My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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