Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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