I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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