also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
